The Life of a Wolf
by Sunset Miko
Summary: Kouga complains about his eternal torment at the hands of Sunset Miko. Crack!Fic


I do not own Inuyasha and Company, no matter how happy it would make me. Rumiko Takahashi does.

This was written for InuComedyClubs's (community./inucomedyclub/) Prov 4, theme Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

My life sucks. No, I mean it really, **really sucks!** It's not fair. Everyone picks on me and I never score any tail! It's like I'm wearing a fucking 'Kick Me' sign! Take Sunset for example. She is just **ruthless**!

Okay, sure, _'She Who the Prophecy Foretold'_ was her first fic, but that was no excuse to be so mean!

I'm so kind as to help the idiot half-breed search for Kagome when he fuckin' **LOST** her and what do I get in return? Gee, where the hell do I even start? It looks like I might **finally** get some only to be woken up from my 'dream' before the really good part by a fucking bird that just couldn't shut the fuck up! After that Sesshoumaru goes all red eyes on me and damn near chokes me to death, all because I said that Kagome was my woman! Damn it, **she is!** Then fucking Ginta and Hakaku interrupt my best dream yet, and I swear my balls turned **purple** that day!

Sesshoumaru's fucking herd of mini ice princes think it's funny to mess with me. They got the kit to pretend to be Kagome and get me all hot and bothered; certain that this time she would really be mine, but no, they just knocked me out and **stole my fucking clothes**! I don't know what kind of freakish powers the furballs have, but I **DID NOT** enjoy walking into invisible walls and falling on my ass over and over again! Then the pit, that was just **fan-fucking-tastic**, filled with some strange powder that made me itch **EVERYWHERE**! If that wasn't bad enough I got covered in tree sap and goose feathers, and when I finally manage to get it all off I wake up painted up like a geisha, just in time for my pack to find me too! I for one am **not** looking forward to the new chapters. I'm considering going on strike in that fic. No way in hell do I wanna see what horrible things she's thought up over the last few months!

Right now you're probably thinking… that was just one story. Fine, you need more proof? How about _'The Syndrome'_?

The first time I get to dance with Kagome in middle school I tried to sneak a kiss. Just a **little peck** was all I wanted, but did I get that? **Of course not**! No, her fucking bodyguard Bankotsu broke my fucking jaw. Over the course of the story he's broken my jaw **at least** two or three more times, in addition to being double teamed by Bank and Miroku. Why is it that my pain seems to bring people together? Kagome actually had the nerve to knee me in the balls once, and she's zapped me with her damn miko powers far too many times. Then, just last chapter she sic'ed a big ass dog the size of a **fucking polar bear **on me! How's that for character appreciation, huh?

Moving on… '_Sometimes a Fish is Just a Fish'_, _'Sometimes It's Just Better to Get Caught'_… I was just walking innocently though the forest when I saw something I shouldn't have. Was it **my fault** watching Sesshoumaru with **MY Kagome** was like a fucking train wreck that I couldn't turn away from? Again the ice prince tries to strangle me, but this time he's not wearing a fucking stitch of clothing, and if that wasn't bad enough dog-breath and the monk see it! Immediately the half-breed's mind gutterballs. Like I needed help with creepy ass mental images! At least he didn't kill me, and I have to admit, the next chapter **was** kinda fun, being the one to get to tell Inuyasha that Kagome was banging his evil half-brother! That **almost** made up for the month's worth of nightmares… **almost**.

How about _'Stupid Girl'_? At least I got in a goodnight kiss there, but only because she was trying to get back at Inuyasha. Why am I the one she uses for revenge? Damn it, all I want is once, **just once** to get the girl. Is that **really** too much to ask? In my opinion Kagome is a stupid girl. **Why** does she keep falling for the assholes when she should know **by now** that I would treat her **SO** much better!

'_A Reason to Get Along'_ I suppose I can't complain about too much. I was paired with Ayame though, and damn that bitch is annoying! Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag… **All fucking day long!** You promised me this… you said you would that…. Ugh.. just shoot me. I think I'd rather be alone than be stuck with the redhead. And you wanna hear a secret? The carpet **does not** match the drapes. I know. I was **totally** disappointed too!

'_What Your Eyes Did to Me' _is probably the kindest Sunset's ever been to me. She didn't make me a jerk. She didn't make me the bad guy. I just got to be the guy Kagome went out with on the rebound and then dumped. Hell, I even helped her pack when she wanted to move out, and I got a couple pretty hot kisses out of it. Too bad she's fucking Sesshoumaru in that fic too. Personally, I think Sunset's got a **serious** obsession problem. What the fuck is it with the Sess/Kags? Kagome is **way too good** for icicle dick.

I was so close, so close to getting the starring role in a fic where I would have gotten to **show **_**Kagome**_ that she could and would cum like crazy with the right guy, that it was **totally** Inuyasha's fault that she couldn't get off with him. But did she write it? **Of course not!** She told me her muses refused, but I think she just likes to fuck with me. God, that fic would have been totally hawt… I mean fucking **scorching**! What does she write instead? What does she decide is better than me getting to screw a self conscious Kagome with something to prove? Fucking Kanna. You know, that creepy little bitch with the mirror that looks like someone in the art department forgot to color her in? Yeah, her. **I know! What the fuck!? **That wasn't bad enough. No, fucking Sunset-_**sama**_ gives us all an in-depth look at her true maturity level. I thought she was pretty mature for her age, but she totally proved me wrong. She chooses to pass up **seriously** promising citrus action for… get this… fart jokes! Yeah, you read that right. **F-A-R-T J-O-K-E-S!** What the fuck is she… **12?**

I was so pissed that I got passed over for potty humor that I **demanded** she give me a main role in her next InuComedyClub fic. She owed me **at the very least** that much! I suppose I should know better by now, but Sunset can be so sweet sometimes that I forget just how much evil truly lies behind her grins.

At the beginning of '_Mating Rituals of the High School Boy'_ it seemed innocent enough, just the same old same old competition between me and the ass face for Kagome's attention. I was slightly annoyed at just how much she had us both stumbling all over ourselves and each other to impress her, but I was **sure** that in the end I would come out on top, though if Kagome wanted to be on top, that would have been fine too. All that work was for nothing. I shelled out some serious cash so our first time together, Kagome and me I mean, would be perfect. The best hotel room available and all the extras… I even remembered the rubbers! I think I should have gotten at least **some** credit for that!

I wore the ridiculous suit she'd picked out even though it made me a walking, talking cliché. In my opinion Inuyasha looked a hell of a lot stupider that I did. I didn't think it was **possible** for him to look any stupider than he already did, but somehow she pulled it off! I knew there was a reason I liked her, though comparing the good and the bad… I'm getting royally screwed. Wait, that's not right… I'm getting royally not screwed.

That reminds me, I think I need to see a healer and fast, because I'm **sure** my twig and berries should never be **that dark** of a shade of purple. It's all almost black down there. Maybe I can find someone to give it a peek cuz I'm really starting to get worried that one morning I'm gonna wake up and find my frank and beans on the floor next to the bed. Just my luck one of the wolves would eat the thing too, just so it couldn't be reattached. **Awww…. Shit!** What the **fuck** is wrong with me? I can see it now and I already know it's gonna be unpleasant. She's got that look in her eyes, the one that says 'the devil's my daddy and even he's scared of me'. Why did I have to open my big mouth?

No, damn it! I refuse! There has to be some rule against character torture! Maybe I should have joined the fanfic union, but the dues were just too much. I wouldn't trust Kagura to keep watch over a pile of wolf shit. Why the hell would I give her my money?

She's coming for me… someone stop her before she does permanent damage. Have a heart and convince her to drop me a bone every now and then, and I **DO NOT **mean that I want Inuyasha or Sesshoumaru to give me their bone( r ). That is the only thing I have to be thankful for with Sunset. She's **never** had **anything** shoved up my ass, for which I will be eternally grateful. Right about now I wouldn't mind banging someone else's ass though. Damn! She found me. Gotta run!

Kouga


End file.
